A Mother’s Love: (transparencies of pain and traumas)
Soooo yesterday was my mother’s birthday, and….for the first time I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t want to be… the bigger person. I didn’t want to do better because I know better. I didn’t want to hear that your mother lives in you bullshit…
It was a struggle trying to love her and to be loved by her.
I wanted to say how I felt she didn’t give a shit about me. I wanted to say how she was never there for me when I needed her the most. I wanted to say how she was on board with everyone else when they treated my cousin or anyone else better than me…
I wanted to say how the way she loved me made me think that was the way a man was supposed to love me…
I always try to see the good in people… in things… but at what cost? My sanity… a peace of mind? I always wonder what if I actually walked in and spoke my truth how many people would be exposed? Then… is that exposure even worth it? Shrugs. Hurt people hurt people and that’s the number one reason why I chill… to protect innocent bystanders. Being “strong” can be a gift and a curse.
Whether we believe it or not…generational events impact the person we are today. Our relationships, career and feelings about our inner most selves have all been shaped by these events.
Soooo…because she gave me life and the ingredients for all this dopeness and sauce (I mean because I am dope AF) I CHOOSE to honor her.
So here goes….
Let’s see.. 7/23. First of all… my mama was fine! 😂My Ma had been 57 for about 6-7 years but she would have been 65 years old yesterday. 😂
Now…my childhood was different… My mother was definitely a piece of work. It was a struggle trying to love her and to be loved by her. However, I’m thankful for the examples that I’ve been shown on this life journey to know what to do and what not to do when I start my own family. But the Lady was comedy. Deep down I know she meant well. At least that’s what I told myself.
The relationship was hit and miss growing up. More so miss. Missed AF… But…. When you know better, you do better. When you know God (Idk your belief system but God is my thing), you do better. So because of that I have absolutely no regrets. I think she was just a product of her environment and loved or at least attempted to love the best way she knew how. Some people (even your closest loved ones) you have to just accept them for who they are, where they are, and place restricted access to certain parts of you so you won’t lose yourself trying to gain favor in their eyes. (If that makes sense).
I used to be like I wouldn’t change any of my experiences because they made me the woman I am today, but I’d be lying. I would have changed a lot of shit. On God Ju!
Through it all I fought for her heart. So while I can identify her negatives and put to my left, I walk away with her positives: strength, perseverance, resiliency, hustler (lol), a sense of humor, her smile, eyes, etc.
I say all that to say we all have a story to tell. A story that may make or break you. It’s up to you how you let it affect you. When ready, use your testimony to teach and help someone along the way.
Not only am I choosing to honor her, I am choosing to use the way I was raised to be the Ultimate Wife and Mother. Sometimes having the template on what NOT to be paves the way of what to be.