October 1, 2022

Stacey Dash, who has never shied away from speaking her truth — an extremely strong emphasis on the word “her” — made recent headlines after weeping uncontrollably over the death of hip hop legend, DMX.

Seems normal enough, right?

Well, it would be, if it weren’t for the fact that DMX died over a year ago. Which lends the question, was Stacey Dash living under a proverbial or even a literal rock? We wanted to ask her that ourselves.

BURBANK, CALIFORNIA – MARCH 07: Actress Stacey Dash attends The Diaspora Dialogues’ 3rd Annual International Women Of Power Luncheon at Arbat Banquet Hall on March 07, 2020 in Burbank, California. (Photo by JC Olivera/Getty Images)

BWNC: Hello, Ms. Dash! Welcome to the Black With No Chaser headquarters!

Stacey Dash: Black With No Chaser? Is that what BWNC stands for?

BWNC: Umm, yes. What did you think it stood for?

Stacey Dash: Hell, I don’t know. Beige With No Color?

BWNC: Oh, wow. So, let’s get right to it. The world wants to know. How did you not know DMX passed?

Stacey Dash: *Starts crying* DMX was such a good friend of mine! We met like maybe once and…and I just can’t believe he passed. I just can’t believe he couldn’t shake his drug addiction. I’m 6 years sober btw. Are the cameras rolling to catch me crying?

BWNC: The what? No, but wait, that still doesn’t answer my question. How did you not know he passed away?

Stacey Dash: *Starts crying, again* I didn’t know he passed because I must’ve been on Fox News that day.

BWNC: Fox News? So you were on the News when news happened? That doesn’t make sense. Also, weren’t you fired from Fox News like 5 years ago?

Stacey Dash: I was getting my skin bleached ok!!!!

BWNC: I knew it! I knew you looked extra Sammy Sosa skinned in that video!

Stacey Dash: Oh you know Sammy too?! He recommended me to this excellent doctor! He even used the high end CLOROX!

BWNC: No, we don’t know Sammy Sosa. So wow, that explains it huh?

Stacey Dash: Yes, it does. As you know, my quest to be as white as I can possibly be will never end. I’m hoping for a DNA transfer next.

BWNC: Jesus Christ. Everything you’re saying is absolutely bat shit crazy. But what’s even more crazy is that it took that long for you realize DMX passed away. I mean, his death is right up there with Tupac’s passing.

Stacey Dash: Tupac is dead too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! *Begins crying, uncontrollably* *Grabs phone to record*

BWNC: Ok, I think we’re done here. *Whispers to BWNC staff* Don’t you dare mention Biggie. Let’s get tf outta here!

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang, the greatest baby father to the dopest babymomma, and the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet…sometimes. So, you know, balance. Sort of.

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