An Interview With the Top Crate

There has been an awakening, have you felt it?

Coming off America’s inspiring performances during this year’s Summer Olympic games, a new Olympic game emerged. Something far more difficult, reckless, back breaking and death defying than any Olympic game played in Tokyo. In communities across the United States, the non regulated Olympic game known as the Milk Crate Challenge has taken social media, our curiosity and our backs by storm.

In this challenge, we have seen many failures sprinkled with surprising success, including Olympic Gold Medalist, White Mike, who managed the complete the Crate Challenge while simultaneously rolling, lighting, and smoking a blunt before completing the daunting feat. But for every White Mike, we have witnessed many more people fall victim to the challenge. And when they fall victim, they mf FALL, with some falls surely requiring medical attention.

We at BWNC couldn’t let the opportunity to interview the entity that made all of this possible. That’s right, we managed to secure an interview with not only a crate, but the TOP crate. The crate the separates the incline from the decline of the challenge.

And it had a lot to say.

BWNC: Let’s get right to it. How does it feel to be a star?

Top Crate: A star? Oh nooo, I’m just a simple crate who just so happens to get that top spot. Without the help of my teammates, none of this would be possible.

BWNC: I feel you. But it has to be rewarding to finally get the recognition you deserve, right?

Top Crate: Huh? What you mean?

BWNC: Like, I’m saying, it’s been a long time coming.

Top Crate: Man, I’m a fucking crate. Ain’t shit special about me or my homies. Before this, we were used to haul milk and shit around.

BWNC: What else are y’all used for btw?

Top Crate: What you mean?

BWNC: Like, I know y’all used for milk, but what else?

Top Crate: Oh, like transfer all kinds of shit that can pretty much fit in us. We kind of like plastic boxes with holes, I guess. But yeah, most of our use is made for milk and pops.

BWNC: Pops? You mean soda, right?

Top Crate: You already know. I’m from the South, btw.

BWNC: Figured that. I am too, but just wanted to clear that up for our readers who aren’t lucky enough to be from the dirty. Anyway, let me ask you this, how are so many people obtaining you and your homies?

Top Crate: Bruh, you can low key get us a lot of places. We always on sale at Wal Mart or Krogers. Or you can just steal us. I mean, who tf wants to pay for crates? Just steal our asses.

BWNC: Wow, that’s it? So that’s the mystery of how people are obtaining crates. Buying or stealing. Shit, that kind of makes sense. And it’s Kroger, btw.

Top Crate: Wait, it’s Kroger without the “s?”

BWNC: Yep, people make that mistake all the time. I don’t hold it against them, but I do judge them a little bit, you know what I’m saying? Like, when people say “mines” or “I seen” I just kind of look at them sideways, but keep it pushing. I can’t spell “Wednesday” so am I to judge? Anyway, as the top crate, what piece of advice do you have for the contestants?

Top Crate: DON’T FUCKING DO IT.

BWNC: But what if they want to achieve crate glory?

Top Crate: Crate glory? Man wtf is you talking about? If you complete the crate challenge, what you get? A Bentley? Fuck no. You get a few likes on social media and handshake from a mf who probably owes you $20. And if you don’t complete it, you probably get a hospital bill. Our harm definitely outweighs our good. It’s all fun and games until someone gets seriously injured. Like, fuck that. We’re not worth it, and this is coming from a gawd damn crate.

BWNC: I feel you. And I really do. But that personal responsibility ship has sailed. Again, what advice would you give once they reach you?

Top Crate: I would say once they reach me, just try to rush down as fast as possible. But you gotta be light on your feet. If you’re heavy set, it’s probably a little tougher. If you’re tall, it’s probably a little tougher. If you’re tall and heavy set, you ain’t gone make it.

BWNC: Noted *Writes down word for word Crate’s advice* Alright, I think we’re all set. Any last words before you get back out there?

Top Crate: Yeah. The vaccine is FDA approved, but I’m not. And I’m out.

BWNC: Mic mf drop, indeed.

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang, the greatest baby father to the dopest babymomma, and the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet…sometimes. So, you know, balance. Sort of.

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