Dear Pia,
I am writing this letter to you because I care for you and your well-being. No, I’m lying. It’s because I’m petty. I am writing this letter to you because I’m petty.
Pia Brewer, you are the most annoying character Netflix has ever created. In fact, you are the most annoying character in the history of picture shows. When I try to contemplate someone or something more annoying than you, my brain breaks. My brain literally stops working and starts bleeding, thus resulting in a slight aneurysm.
Pia, and I swear to this on all that is pure..
I could search high and low. From the depths of the Mariana Trench to the summit of Mount Everest. I could swim the waters of both the Pacific and the Specific Ocean and walk the deserts of the Sahara. I could explore the untouched caves of the Amazon and traverse the island of Madagascar..
and I promise…I promise I will fail to find a mf more annoying than you.
Pia, I will never forgive my fellow humans for recommending Clickbait to me. Partly because the plot and the writing is awful, but mostly because of you. Everything from your hair, to your privilege, to your leather jacket annoyed me to no end. The privilege that was afforded to you in every episode went beyond some simple Karen privilege. No, this privilege was deeper and scarier.
You reached a privilege no Karen could ever reach.
Pia, I honestly don’t know wtf you were doing half the time. One minute, you were the co-lead detective for your brother’s murder investigation as you frolicked about in police stations and interrogation rooms, and the next minute you were screaming at everyone (sometimes sober, all the time drunk) for no reason, all while wearing that same gawd damn jacket. Pia, please wash that jacket. It has to smell like turkey bacon at this point.
And your hair. Read this well, Pia. When I get finished writing this open letter, Tyler Perry’s Caucasian cousin will pay for his crimes. He has to be around here somewhere, and I am 100% confident that whomever put that helmet of privilege on your head graduated magna cum laude from the Tyler Perry School of Wigs and Witchcraft.
Pia, one last thing. I hope you are able to find peace in solving your brother’s murder. Because I never will. I never will find peace after watching your annoyance for what seemed to be an entirety.
Sincerely,
Damn near everyone
Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang, the greatest baby father to the dopest babymomma, and the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet…sometimes. So, you know, balance. Sort of.
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You said it all, perfectly. I’ve had every one of the thoughts you wrote in your letter.
I literally had to search the internet if someone felt the same way I did and thank you!