November 30, 2023

Sudden Stutter Syndrome is a horrific ailment that can be contracted by even the smartest of us. Sudden Stutter Syndrome is usually brought on by stress, panic and “N*gga, why is you lying” questioning from your significant other. Sudden Stutter Syndrome can flare up during multiple scenarios, ranging from your wife finding your burner phone to being bombarded with questions about your multi-billion dollar social media empire by Congress on Capitol Hill.

Mark Zuckerberg usually comes across as an awkward, well-mannered super nerd who happens to run a multibillion-dollar social media empire Seniors commonly refer to as, “The Facebook.” While on Capitol Hill, yesterday, Zuckerberg sat before the House Financial Services Committee for a marathon six-hour hearing about the company’s plans with Libra (A permissioned blockchain digital currency proposed by the American social media company Facebook). This testimony quickly and predictably turned into Zuckerberg attempting to defend “The Facebook” and its company policies. Even though Zuckerberg wasn’t exactly performing at an all-star level, shit got real, QUICK, when Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez asked a few questions related to an apparent Facebook policy that allows politicians to lie in their political ads. “You announced recently that the official policy of Facebook now allows politicians to pay to spread disinformation in 2020 elections and in the future. So, I just want to know how far I can push this in the next year,” Ocasio-Cortez said. Zuckerberg, who, based on an expert speech pathologist who shall remain nameless, displayed the first symptoms of a sudden stuttering problem when he replied, “If anyone, including a politician, is saying things that can cause … that is calling for violence, or could risk imminent physical harm, or voter or census suppression, when we roll out the census suppression policy, we will take that content down.”

After Ocasio-Cortez established there is in fact some threshold where “The Facebook” will fact-check political ads, she quickly followed up with a different scenario, which led to Zuckerberg’s stutter rear its ugly head, as stress mixed with panic mixed with Zuckerberg being fully aware that his company’s toxic policies were being exposed. What followed was a painful exchange in which the brilliant Zuckerberg was reduced to a babbling mess by Ocasio-Cortez:

Ocasio-Cortez: Would I be able to run advertisements on Facebook targeting Republicans in primaries saying that they voted for the Green New Deal? I mean, if you’re not fact-checking political advertisements, I’m just trying to understand the bounds here, what’s fair game.

Zuckerberg: Congresswoman, I don’t know the answer to that off the top of my head, I think probably.

Ocasio-Cortez: You don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. Zuckerberg: I think probably. Ocasio-Cortez: Do you see a potential problem here with a complete lack of fact-checking on political advertisements?

*At this moment, Zuckerberg reached the height of his stuttering ailment*

Zuckerberg: Well, Congresswoman, I think lying is bad *stutter*, and I think if you were to run an ad that had a lie in it, that would be bad. That’s different from it being *stutter* … in our position, the right thing to do *stutter* to prevent your constituents or people in an election from seeing that you had lied.

After being pressed for another two minutes by Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez, Zuckerberg’s stuttering ailment was amazingly cured, as he did not display any other symptoms associated with Sudden Stutter Syndrome. However, we have heard reports that Zuckerberg ran into Ocasio-Cortez after the testimony, and his Sudden Stutter Syndrome flared up. Our speech pathologist, who again shall remain nameless, states that Ocasio-Cortez is the clear catalyst for Zuckerberg’s ailment. He suggests that “The Facebook” creator avoid Ocasio-Cortez at all cost.

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