We at Black With No Chaser don’t shy away from the truth. Even if it means seeking it in the most unusual places. In the past, we have conducted interviews with everyone from the “Master” of Netflix to Daenerys Targaryen’s dragon, Drogon, after he assisted with the destruction of King’s Landing.
Three lives were impacted the moment Amy Cooper recklessly decided to call the police on an innocent black man. We have heard from both Amy and Christian Cooper (no relation), including an apology issued by Amy after she suffered tremendous (and well deserved) social media backlash, lost her job (also well deserved) and her dog (also, also well deserved). However, we have yet to hear from Amy’s former dog.
Well, that’s about to change.
May 27, 10:02 p.m. EST
Amy Cooper’s Former Dog: [anxious, perplexed albeit well groomed] Hello.
BWNC: [perplexed that we are communicating with a dog in English] Umm, hi. Wow, this is fucking amazing. For the record, can you state your name?
Amy Cooper’s Former Dog: Oh, yeah, it’s Mark.
BWNC: Mark? So it’s not Henry? So it’s not Lassie or Air Bud or some shit?
Mark: Henry was my slave name. And Lassie or Air Bud? Is your name Jamal? What kind of question is that?
BWNC: Touche. Sorry about that. Let’s get started. So, how did you know Amy Cooper?
Mark: You mean Karen? Umm, we go back a few years. She scooped me from this rescue center. Then you know, had to return me after buddy recorded her choking the shit out of me.
BWNC: [Still in shock that we are communicating with a fucking dog] OK, OK, let’s get to that day. That moment. What was going through your mind when Christian Cooper requested that your owner put you on a leash?
Mark: First off, she’s wasn’t my “owner,” OK. I’m not a slave. I’m a human bein..well, I’m not that either, but you get what I’m trying to say. Secondly, I was cool with the request. Made sense to me. I mean, it is the policy. Can’t have dogs like me running amuck where people are doing boring shit like bird watching. Imagine trying to watch some birds and boom, here comes a dog trying to bite you in your ass.
BWNC: Fair point. Sorry for the owner reference, btw. Didn’t know the 13th Amendment included wolf-like canines. Anyyyyyyyyyyyyway, what happened next?
Mark: [Starts barking violently after spotting a squirrel through the window] Sorry about that. So, here buddy is, making a reasonable request and suddenly Karen starts doing her Karen thing. You know, “poor white woman me” and shit. It’s really sad when she gets like this. She can cry on command and not think twice of it nor the consequences.
She did the same thing to Miguel, our Hispanic pizza guy about a month ago. They forgot the mayo on the pizza and she went berserk. Got the poor guy fired. I mean, who in tf puts mayo on pizza? And then she be out here telling people she would’ve voted for Obama a third time. Liberal white women are weird.
BWNC: [Nods head] I hear ya, dog. And mayo on a pizza? That’s wild. So take us to the moment Jamal, I mean Christian starts recording.
Mark: Sure, so as he is recording, Karen goes full Karenism. She gets on the phone and starts calling the police for NOOO reason. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear everything she was saying because I started to black out due to her choking the dog shit out of me. Y’all got one of those “I Can’t Breath” shirts? Because I’m ready to join the “I Can’t Breath” movement. About to march and enact change on all these mfs.
BWNC: I’ll see what we can find. Wow. Thank you for telling your story. This was powerful. Any plans going forward? A book deal or a podcast, maybe?
Mark: [Wags tail, gleefully excited about future endeavors] I’m working on a little something, something. I’m thinking about writing a book entitle, “All Dogs Don’t Go To Heaven” and it will center around calling out all my dogs who have been silent in the struggle for equality. And on the podcast front, well, I don’t know. Being that I’m the first and only dog in history to be able to speak the human language, I’m sure I can think of something.
Oh, and fuck Karen as a staff, record label and mf crew, and if you down with Karen, fuck you, too! I’m out!
BWNC: [Sheds tear] That’s my mf dog.
Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance.
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