It’s a warm sunny day here in our nations capitol. As I pretended to enjoy another Zoom work meeting with my work colleagues, I got a phone call. A 504 area code to be exact. I initially assumed it was my cousin calling me about the weather, which would inevitably lead to him asking me if he could borrow $20. Like, who needs $20? Just ask for $100, you know? And don’t say borrow, because borrow means paying the mf and he has never paid the mf back.
Anyway…
It wasn’t my cousin. An insincere, apologetic voice responded. It was the Apology of Drew Brees. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “How tf can an apology talk?” Well, I don’t know. But this apology could talk, and it had something to say. So I asked some questions, and I listened.
June 05, 10:02 a.m. EST
BWNC: Where do we begin. Now, excuse my ignorance, but aren’t there two of you? Didn’t Drew issue two apologies?
Drew Brees’ Apology: [casual, lackluster] Sorry, but no. There is only one. The first apology was killed after it didn’t work. I then emerged from the ashes, like a phoenix.
BWNC: [confused] Like a what? So you killed the first apology? Or did Drew do it?
Drew Brees’ Apology: Sorry, but I did it. And I’m sorry for doing that, but not really. Fuck that first apology. It didn’t do what it was suppose to do. It didn’t come across as sincere. Did you see the first apology? It was a picture of two random hands, one white, one black, holding each other. It was so stupid. It took Drew’s PR team 30 seconds on google images to find that. It was worthless. Sorry.
BWNC: You don’t have to keep apologizing, but I guess you do, since you are technically an apology. So, what makes you more sincere than the first apology?
Drew Brees’ Apology: Because this time, it was on camera. You could see the sincerity in Drew’s eyes when he said he was sorry.
BWNC: But was he sorry? It doesn’t make sense to me that he would bring up “flag disrespect” in this climate. We’ve discussed what and why Colin Kaepernick kneeled for ad nauseam. If he needs more explaining, then maybe he’s just stupid or something, you know? It’s been four gawd damn years! Damn, my apologies for yelling like that, apology.
Drew Brees’ Apology: You apologized? Now you’re talking my language. But wait, so this has been an ongoing issue since 2016?!?
BWNC: Yes! When were you born, yesterday?
Drew Brees’ Apology: Yes, I was.
BWNC: Oh yeah, that’s right. But back to you. So, you think that by showing Drew’s face, all would be forgiven?
Drew Brees’ Apology: Yes, I did. I thought that if he were to shed a tear or two or be on the brink of tears, that people would move on. But shit, I had no idea everyone has been talking about this since 2016. And he still doesn’t understand why people were kneeling during the National Anthem? Even in today’s climate where black people are being choked to death by police for 8 minutes?
BWNC: Nope.
Drew Brees’ Apology: Well, you know what? I’m sorry. Can I change my name to Fuck Drew Brees’ Apology?
BWNC: You sure can, Fuck Drew Brees’ Apology. You sure can.
Fuck Drew Brees’ Apology: Thank you. Oh, btw, did any black people fall for the apology?
BWNC: I don’t want to talk about that. Interview over. Thanks for calling in, Fuck Drew Brees’ Apology. Bye!
Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance.
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