December 9, 2023

I’ve interviewed countless historical figures, everyone from Central Park Karen’s dog to Jonathan Issac’s Knee. But securing an interview with the fly from the Vice Presidential debate caused me to self reflect. As I walked outside this morning, coffee in hand, while the cool, yet comfortable air calmly greeted my face, I noticed how bright the sun was. The sun’s beam, along with every sip of my coffee, provided a subtle relief from the comfortable, yet brisk air.

“Shoo, fly,” I yelled. I was pissed that a fly would disturb my brief moment of bliss, solitude and self reflection. “Nigga, I’m here for the interview,” it yelled, back. In my pseudo aggrandized moment of self reflection, I completely forgot about the interview. “Shit, my bad! I completely forgot,” I replied.

I was off to a rocky start.

October 8, 08:02 a.m. EST

Fly: [legs crossed, attempting to light a cigarette] Fuck, do you have a lighter?

BWNC: Umm, hi. No, I don’t. Also, there is no smoking allowed in this hous..

Fly: Oh, wow. Ok, so you’re one of those people huh? Jesus Christ, man. Try eating shit all day like me. Once you realize that, cigarettes become the least of your worries.

BWNC: Ok, hold on. [grabs matches]

Fly: Thank you.

BWNC: Ok, so let’s get started. First off, it’s an honor to secure this exclusive interview.

Fly: [blows cloud of smoke in the air] I know.

BWNC: Man listen, you got one more time to disrespect me up in mf hou..

Fly: No nigga, YOU listen. What we ain’t gone do is pretend like my fly ass is more important than black lives! How on earth did I get more TV time than Breonna Taylor? Can you tell me that shit, with you and your artsy fartsy non cigarette smoking ass. I fly into you this morning, sipping from your cool guy coffee mug, happy as a fly in shit that you secured an interview with the flyest fly alive. Yeah, I’m that fly ass fly that’s buzzing in your girl’s dms, but that’s still no excuse for that debate and the commentators to cover me more than this country murdering black lives!

BWNC: Well, I just thought that maybe..

Fly: Well nigga, you thought wrong. Listen man, I know shit. I live for shit. I eat shit because I enjoy it. I enjoy shit and sex. I got larva all over this country with my name on it. Thats what I do. So, to answer your dumb question of what made me fly and stay on Pence’s shitty head was because he is a big pile of shit.

BWNC: Yeah, thats..that’s what I was about to ask next.

Fly: And yes, I love l love lying pieces of shit the most. Not everyday you run up on shit that big, doing that much lying. And lying is like seasoning salt for us, so the more lying, the more mf better the shit taste, you feel me?

BWNC: I..I feel you. Are black lives important to you?

Fly: I look out for black people, because you know, I’m black. Might not be people, but I’m black. But I love y’all, even though y’all don’t leave their screen door open, so, you know, you just can’t fly into a black person’s home like that, but in a way, I respect that. White people just be out here leaving doors and windows open. It’s thanksgiving everyday in a poor white people neighborhood.

BWNC: How much as your life changed since the debate, last night?

Fly: A lot. I opened a twitter account and got like thousands of followers. Shorties dm’ing me. It’s wild. But I can’t even lie, Jerry, I..

BWNC: My name is not Jerry.

Fly: [stares at me for 10 seconds] But I can’t even lie, JERRY, none of this attention sits well with me. Again, I got more attention than the topic of this country murdering black lives. And that Pence guy. I mean, my god. That excellent tasting piece of shit cares more about buildings than black lives. Is that like a new thing with white people? That they care more about property than black lives.

BWNC: No, unfortunately it’s not. And a lot of black folks have wrote about this, extensively. I think the problem is that when you have a country who has indoctrinated itself in white supremacy, they come across as legit flabbergas…

Fly: I don’t mean to cut you off but am I being interviewed or are you?

BWNC: Sorry. One last question, because yo rude, woke ass def need to get tf up out my house. What are your plans, going forward?

Fly: Not shit. [laughs hysterically] Wait, I mean plenty shit. I wanna do eat shit, gang shit, hoodrat shit, bougie shit, book shit, podcast shit, shit shit. You name it. If it’s about that shit, I’m wit it, ya feel me? I’m wit the shits. [drops proveribal mic and flys away]

BWNC: [watching him fly away] Yes, you are wit the shits, Mr. Fly. Yes, you are.

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance. 

Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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