Cersei “This MF here” Lannister aka Queen of Incest Digest aka Mother of Crazy B*tches aka The Mad Queen aka Wild Fire Don aka I’ll Burn This B*tch Down has caused more headaches than migraines. When we first meet Cersei in Winterfell, she is accompanied with her husband, King Robert Baratheon, “their” three kids and her twin brother, Jaime. Seems typical enough, right? WRONG! Because that first episode goes from the show highlighting a typical medieval royal family structure to twin brother and sister sexing. After Bran (who caught Jamie and Cersei knocking boots) is thrown from a window and loses his memory, Cersei becomes paranoid that her husband, King Robert, will find out that not only is she having an affair with Jamie, BUT the kids aren’t his. I mean, to be honest, King Robert should’ve known some extracurricular f*cking was afoot when all three of them lil bastards came out blonde. When Cersei’s paranoia becomes evident after she learned that her husband is in danger of finding out that the children he sees as his heirs to the throne are not his, Robert conveniently meets his demise. Robert was a habitual drinker and womanizer and he would often drink on boar hunts, but not to the point that he would be George W. Bush drunk. However, Cersei’s conniving ass instructed Robert’s squire, Lancel Lannister (who was also Cersei’s f*ck buddy when Jamie was captured) to get Robert super drunk. Robert, because of his alcohol intake, is struck by the boar and dies hours later. But more importantly, he dies before OG Ned Stark tells him the truth about his children. Cersei works quickly to instate her oldest son, Joffrey “Ted Bundy with Money” Baratheon/Lannister, on the throne, with her as his chief political advisor and Queen Regent. As she secures power, she tells OG Ned Stark some of the truest words ever uttered on Game of Thrones: “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.” ANNNNNND that n*gga Ned died. Meanwhile, Joffrey quits listening to his mother because Joffrey is crazier than a gawd damn soup sandwich.. Tywin Lannister, Cersei’s father, decides to send her other little brother, Tyrion Lannister, to Kings Landing to serve as Hand of the King and Joffrey’s chief political advisor because Cersei had absolutely no idea what tf she was doing. Because of this (along with their tumultuous history), Cersei and Tyrion don’t get along, and constantly try to undermine each other’s authority. With Tyrion eventually winning the power struggle, he sends Cersei’s only daughter, Myrcella, to Dorne. This infuriates the holy hell out of Cersei, and if there is one thing we know Cersei loves, that is her children. After the Battle of Blackwater (Where we see Cersei in FULL b*tch mode), Cersei comes to fear that Margaery intends to usurp her as queen and unsuccessfully tries to alienate Joffrey from her. This struggle between Cersei (the old) and Margaery (the new) will become an ongoing battle of wits and wild fire. To complicate matters further, her lover and twin brother Jamie returns with one less hand. And then they kill that f*ckboy, Joffrey. Cersei’s beloved Joffrey.. Cersei has Tyrion arrested after Joffrey is fatally poisoned. Even though I’m willing to bet that she knows our n*gga Tyrion didn’t do it because Tyrion is too smart to be caught with his hand in the cookie jar, she tries to gather enough evidence (or just flat out tell people to lie) to hand Tyrion a death sentence. At Tyrion’s trial, it is obvious Cersei has manipulated the entire procedure so that the witnesses give either incomplete or entirely false testimonies to implicate Tyrion and Sansa further in the murder. When Tyrion demands a trial by combat, Cersei quickly chooses Ser Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane aka Big MotherF*cker aka TF is that? aka I would just shoot this big MF as her champion. Tyrion chooses Oberyn Martell, and of course we know that goes. I still got PTSD from this shit so I don’t really wanna talk about it. Any who, despite Cersei’s objections, Jamie (for love of his brother and him knowing that Tyrion was innocent) helps Tyrion escape Cersei’s wrath. “Whenever something bad happens to me, I assume it’s my sister that had a hand in it. But say what you will of Cersei, she loves her children. She is the only one I’m certain had nothing to do with this murder… which makes this unique, as King’s Landing murders go.” – Tyrion Lannister When Cersei’s second son, Tommen the Nice but Weak, is married to Margaery, Cersei see’s that Margaery is successfully manipulating Tommen (via sex) tries to manipulate Tommen into sending. Fearful of losing her power, Cersei makes another dumbass move and meets the religious leader, the High Sparrow, who she then appoints as the High Septon, and gives him authority to re-establish the Faith Militant aka Crazy Religious Shit. However, Cersei’s plot to remove Margaery from power backfires when Lancel, now a member of the Faith Militant, confesses to his affair with Cersei and his role in Robert’s assassination, and accuses Cersei of incest, prompting the High Sparrow to arrest her. Cersei is eventually allowed to return to the Red Keep after confessing and conducting her Walk of Atonement. During her Walk of Atonement through the public square, people throw shit, shit and more shit. We see Cersei at her lowest… After her Walk of Atonement, Cersei learns from Tommen that the High Sparrow plans to have Margaery do a Walk of Atonement However, Margaery throws a curveball and joins the Faith of the Seven while convincing Tommen to merge the Faith and the Crown. Despite being stripped of her allies, Cersei opts to remain in King’s Landing, having named The Mountain as her champion in her trial by combat. However, Tommen announces that trial by combat has been abolished and replaced by trial by the Seven. Then BOOM.. Cersei goes full Mad “I’ll Burn This B*tch Down” Queen and arranges for a cache of wildfire to be let loose beneath the Sept during the trial, which kills the High Sparrow, Margaery, and every gawd damn body else who was worth a damn in Kings Landing. As a direct result of Cersei’s actions, Tommen commits suicide. Cersei is crowned the first ever Queen Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms while also naming her mad evil genius, Qyburn, Hand of the Queen. At the start of last season, we see Cersei call every female character of prominence either a b*tch, c*nt or whore. Cersei also remains cold and distant after Tommen’s suicide, viewing it as a betrayal of their family. With no children left to protect (Her daughter was poisoned in Dorne), Cersei the Malevolent is here to stay, as she relentlessly seeks to create a 1,000 year dynasty and destroy her enemies. In an effort to secure her power, Cersei seeks unlikely allies, including Euron Grejoy. Throughout the entirety of the season, Cersei and Jamie successfully fight back against the Dragon Queen’s campaign until she releases one of her dragons and f*cks shit up. She also faced past demons in the form of Olenna Tyrell, who confessed, before killing herself, that she poisoned Joffrey. After Cersei is convinced to ceasefire against The Dragon Queen and her army because of a much larger, more important war that is coming, she tells Jaime that she is pregnant. Daenerys and Jon meet with Cersei in the Dragonpit and present to her an ice zombie. Although terrified, Cersei initially refuses help because dumbass Jon can’t lie for 5 minutes about remaining neutral in the war between the Lannisters and Targaryens. Tyrion speaks to Cersei in private, and apparently persuades her to ally with the rival monarchs. However, we knew from the get-go that, that was a bunch of bullshit, because, it’s f*cking Cersei. And because Cersei don’t give a damn about anybody else other than Cersei and if Cersei gotta die, then EVERYBODY dying in this b*tch. And because of this, the love of her life, Jamie, finally abandons her lying, crazy ass.. Cersei’s Strengths: – Lying – Lying some moe – Her children – Her cheekbones – Killing n*ggas – Drinking wine – Looking smug – Calling everyone c*nts – Incest Cersei’s Weaknesses: – Thinking – Telling the truth
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