Jon “His Daddy named em Jon Snow, Imma Call em Jon Snow” Snow aka The Man Bun Bastard aka “Hey Auntie” aka He may not know shit but he know how to whoop some ass aka RN (Real N*gga) Season aka The Night King Killer aka Azor Ahai aka The N*gga who was Promised has been brooding like a mf since day one. When we first meet Jon, the mf is brooding. When we last see Jon, well, he was knocking boots, but I’m sure he was brooding while f*cking. Known primarily as the Bastard of Winterfell, Jon never quiet fit in with the rest of the Stark family. The Black Sheep, thanks in large part Catelyn Stark acting like a whole hater, Jon always seems to be on the outside, looking in. This drives him to seek glory elsewhere, and so he joins the honorary and noble Protectors of the Wall, the Night’s Watch. He arrives at the Wall with his direwolf Ghost aka the Direwolf GOAT aka My N*gga For Life aka Y’all Touch Em We Ride, only to find that the Night’s Watch is made up of nothing but a bunch of lowborn criminals and exiles. Jon befriends Samwell Tarly, a fat, smart guy who can’t fight worth shit. Anyway, after Jon takes his vow as a man of the Nights Watch, he is disappointed to learn that he would “only” be serving as a steward to the Lord Commander, Jeor Mormont. However, Sam points out that Jon is likely being groomed for command. This is the first example we see of Jon not really knowing shit (A theme that continues throughout the duration of the show). Later, Jon saves Lord Commander Mormont from an ice zombie which prompts him to give him the House Mormont ancestral sword Longclaw, made of Valyrian steel. Jon will carry this sword from then until now, f*cking MANY a n*ggas along the way. After it has been determined that the Night’s Watch needs to go beyond the Wall to figure out wtf is going on, the Night’s Watch stops at Caster’s Keep, a wildling who has sex with his own daughters and sacrifices his newborn sons to the White Walkers (Yes, Game of Thrones be on some f*cked up shit, YOU HEAR ME). Later, as part of a small scouting party led by Night’s Watch ranger GOAT, Qhorin Halfhand, Jon is tasked with killing Ygritte, a wildling prisoner who happens to be attractive. I mean, what are the odds that they come across a fine ass wildling, but I digress. Anyway, he finds himself unable to carry out the task, and she escapes, only to lead and capture Jon with her comrades. Halfhand orders Jon to pretend to defect and join the wildlings to discover their plans. This plan winds up with him and Jon staging a fight, with Jon killing Halfhand. This staged fight (Which was a suicide mission for Halfhand. And Halfhand is better me because we would’ve had to device another gawd damn plan) gains trust with the wildlings and they allow him to meet Mance Rayder, the King-Beyond-the Wall. After meeting Mance, Jon pledges his loyalty to him and the free folk as they journey to scale that big, tall ass Wall (I would’ve been like “WHO scaling that Wall?”). While on their journey, Ygritte seduces Jon in some random ass, romantic cave with a hot spring. There, Jon loses his virginity and instantly falls in love (simp). After scaling the Wall and crossing to the other side, the Wildlings raid a small village. There, Jon When Jon refuses to kill an innocent man to prove his loyalty to the wildlings. He is then attacked but manages to escape with arrows (shot by Ygritte) halfway up his ass. Jon’s heart and ass are in pain… When arriving back at Castle Black, B*tch Ass N*gga Alliser Thorne and B*tcher Ass N*gga Janos Slynt call for Jon’s execution for “siding” with the wildlings, but Maester Aemon (OG, Double OG, Triple OG) says otherwise and lets a real n*gga slide (Because real recognize real). Afterward, Jon leads an expedition to Craster’s Keep, where some men of the Watch have mutinied and murdered Lord Commander Mormont. After defeating the mutineers, Jon is reunited with Ghost, thus creating a Real N*gga Reunion, which is equivalent to a Westroes Black Family Reunion. Meanwhile, with Mance promising to light the biggest mf fire the North has ever seen, Tormund’s wildlings attack Castle Black while Mance’s army attack the Wall with giants. Btw, the minute I see giants, I would’ve said, “F*ck y’all and this wall,” but I digress. After an episode long fight, the Night’s Watch temporarily defeat the wildling surge, although Ygritte (his wife in real life) is shot and dies in Jon’s arms. After holding back the surge, Jon recognizes that the Nights Watch can’t hold the Wall if another surge takes place, so Jon goes beyond the Wall to negotiate with or kill Mance. However, once he arrives, Stannis Baratheon’s army swoops in that mf and easily routs the wildling camp, taking Mance as his prisoner. After Stannis and Melisandre burn a few n*ggas alive, including Mance, Jon is voted the new Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch (Shoutout to Maester Aemon for the tie-breaking vote). After discovering that there are many wildlings in danger dying at the hands of the Night King at Hardhome, Jon travels north of the Wall to and convince the wildlings to join forces with their archenemy, the Night’s Watch, in order to defeat the biggest threat, the White Walkers and nem. And this is when shit goes down.. At Hardhome, as some of the wildling clans board the ships to travel south, a massive force of ice zombies, led by the White Walkers and their Nights King, attacks the village. And boy is it a f*cking slaughterhouse. N*ggas are dying right and left. Zombies coming from every which way and shit, it was crazy. Meanwhile, Jon manages to kill a White Walker with Longclaw, learning that not only dragon-glass, but weapons forged with Valyrian steel, can destroy them completely. Jon and his group barely make it out alive, with only a fraction of the wildling forces. As they escape on their boat, the Night King walks up to the edge of the peer and does some boss ass shit by simply raising his hands, thus resurrecting all of those killed by the zombie army into more f*cking zombies. This is when we knew the Night King was a real n*gga.. As Jon let the wildlings through the gates, some of his fellow Night’s Watch “brothers” formulate a plot. Jon is summoned to hear “news” of his missing Uncle Benjen but is instead ambushed and stabbed to death by Thorne and his group of b*tch ass n*ggas. After the other real n*ggas/brothers of Night’s Watch (including Davos Seaworth) find Jon dead and shit, they barricade themselves in a room with Ghost the Direwolf GOAT and Jon’s body, and an attack by B*tch Ass N*gga Thorne and his men is thwarted by the arrival of Tormund and his wildlings. Davos encourages Red Head Crazy B*tch Melisandre to attempt to resurrect Jon and although the ritual at first seems to fail, Jon suddenly awakens like Jesus and nem. After hanging Thorne and his B*tch Ass N*gg crew, Jon gives up his duty as Lord Commander and leaves the Night’s Watch and Castle Black. Afterward, he is reunited with his “half-sister” Sansa Stark, who managed to escape Ramsay “I hate this mf more than Joffrey” Bolton. Jon is hesitant about fighting Ramsey and taking back Winterfell until a threatening message arrives from Ramsay demanding Sansa’s return and announcing Ramsay’s possession of their brother, “I Don’t know now to f*cking zig-zag” Rickon. After Jon manages to recruit a couple of smaller houses to join his cause, including the REALEST n*gga of them all, Lyanna Mormont, he faces off against Ramsey Bolton and his much larger army in Battle of the Bastards. Before the battle, Ramsay murders Rickon “Stop running in a straight f*cking line!” Stark to enrage Jon, who rushes in with murderous fury and damn near takes on a whole army by his gawd damn self. A devastating battle ensues in which the outnumbered Stark/Snow forces are nearly slaughtered, until the Knights of the Vale arrive with Sansa and Petyr Baelish aka Littlefinger aka I love tricking n*ggas, and attack and help defeat Ramsay’s army. Jon chases Ramsay back into Winterfell and beats him savagely, stopping before killing him, when he peeks Sansa from his peripheral (I just tried to spell peripheral and Microsoft Word had no earthly idea what I was trying to spell). Sansa subsequently feeds Ramsay to his own hounds like a real n*gga would. Sansa became a real n*gga that day.. Meanwhile, the famous R + L = J theory is confirmed, thus revealing Jon’s true parentage. He is the son of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister) and Rhaegar Targaryen. This is confirmed when Bran Stark has a vision of the past which shows Ned reuniting with a dying Lyanna in the Tower of Joy. She makes him swear to protect her son, Jon. In the very next scene, the Northern lords proclaim Jon as the King in the North. As Jon attemps to prepare the north for the coming storm aka the White Walkers, he receives an invitation to Dragonstone from Tyrion “I Drink Henny and I know Plenty” Lannister, on Daenerys Targaryen’s behalf. After receiving the e/raven-vite, he receives another message from his BFF, Sam, dragon-glass is at Dragonstone (I mean, no shit, Sherlock) When Jon arrives at Dragonstone, he initially declines to bend the knee (Even though Daenerys tried to convince the n*gga about 50/11 times). Sometime goes by of them flirting and looking at stupid ass cave paintings and shit until both Jon and Daenerys are determined to convince Cersei “This MF here” Lannister that their true enemy is the army of the dead. Jon then stupidly and idiotically and “n*gga what is you doin-ly” leads an expedition north of the Wall to capture an ice zombie and bring it to Cersei at King’s Landing. They somehow manage to do so, with the help of the Dragon Queen who arrives with her dragons (even though one of them is killed by the Olympic, I mean the Night King). However, Daenerys and nem are forced to flee without Jon for fear of the Olympic King with a mf spear will kill another dragon. Not too many moments later, Jon is saved by the reappearance of his uncle Benjen (who he thought had been dead), and Jon escapes back to the Wall. After a meeting with Cersei at King’s Landing which basically gets them nowhere because Cersei betrays them anyway, Bran learns that Jon was born Aegon Targaryen (But I’m going to keep calling him Jon Snow. F*ck all that), the legitimate son and heir of Daenerys’ brother Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. Meanwhile, Jon and Daenerys finally give in to their growing feelings for each other and have sex, unaware that they are related by blood. Needless to say, it’s going to be awkward for boffum at the next Targaryen Family Reunion.. Jon’s Strengths: – F*cking n*ggas up – Hair – Killing White Walkers – Telling the truth – Compassionate – Loyal – F*cking moe n*ggas up – Brooding Jon’s Weaknesses: – Really doesn’t know shit – Tf you always brooding for? – Aunties
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