“Dear god of Breast and Wine, Please protect Tyrion at all cost. If he dies, we riot. If he betrays Dany, we riot. If you do anything to fuck up his character arc, we riot. That is all.. Thanks or amen or aDcups, Tyrion-ites” Tyrion Lannister aka The Imp Pimp with a Limp aka Tyrion “I Drink Henny and I know Plenty” Lannister aka Your Father > My Father aka Shawty Lo Westeros aka Mr. Steal Yo Prostitute aka High Credit Score King cause a N*gga pay his debts is the reason why a lot of us love Game of Thrones as much as we do. When we first meet Tyrion, he’s politicking with the best sex workers Winterfell has to offer (Which, let’s be honest, ain’t nowhere near the quality of Littlefinger’s spot in Kings Landing). From there, our favorite Imp provides us with the best quotes and some of the best moments on the show, including telling Jon Snow, the bastard, on the very first episode that every dwarf is a bastard in their father’s eyes. That same relationship with Tyrion’s father, B*tch Ass N*gga Tywin, will be explored throughout the series, up until our wigga, Tyrion, kills his father while he was taking a shit. Tyrion’s journey has been from the Wall, where he pissed on the edge, to Essos, where he journeyed to not only escape his sister’s wrath after killing their father but to also serve as Hand of the Queen to Daenerys Targaryen. While Tyrion’s lack of size prevents him from being physically imposing, his intelligence and wit has carried him from the bottom of the Lannister family dynasty to the top of the Game of Thrones and our hearts. This is witnessed throughout the first season as we see Tyrion constantly talk his way out of danger while turning enemies into allies. Tyrion’s wit and intelligence are highlighted more than ever when he serves as Hand of the King to King “Ted Bundy with Money” Joffrey in his father’s absence. Motivated by not making the same mistakes as OG Ned Stark, Tyrion walked his little ass in the Small Council Meeting, whistling Rains of Castamere, and telling Cersei that there is a new HNIC. While serving as the Hand of the King, we see peak/apex Tyrion, as he fucks with everybody from his sister to Joffery and their minions, while doing it with a coke and a mf smile. Tyrion’s effort to not allow Kings Landing to go to complete shit culminates at the Battle of Blackwater, where he formulates a plan to stop Stannis’ forces by using Wild Fire and a “Fuck it, let’s go kill them,” speech that works long enough to hold off the opposing army until his B*tch Ass N*gga father, Tywin swoops in at the last minute to finish the job and take all the credit. Tyrion found his purpose in life and Tywin took it from him.. However, we must give credit when credit is due to B*tch Ass N*gga Tywin. He was right about Shae (Remind you, him and Tyrion have a rocky past when it comes to women, including having the woman Tyrion “loved” gang raped). Tyrion, as intelligent and self-aware as he is, seemed to have a blind spot for Shae, as well as having an understandably out right defiance of his father. And man, did she use it to her advantage to fuck over our favorite Imp. Shae was a manipulative hussy from the other side of the world who did nothing cloud Tyrion’s judgement only to betray him at the end when he needed her the most. Ok, so maybe I’m being a little hard on Shae and maybe she wasn’t all bad all the time (especially when she helped Helpless Sansa in a few episodes) but overall, I contend she did more bad than good, created more headaches than she helped to alleviate. My frustration with Shae also derives from when Tyrion tries to get rid of her to protect her. She couldn’t see that after months of Tyrion trying to get Shae to leave because he feared for her safety, he had no choice but to intentionally hurt her, so he could protect her. Shae’s not shit-ness reached the point of no return when Tyrion was on trial for killing King “Ted Bundy with Money” Joffrey. After her betrayal, Tyrion went on one of the greatest tangents in TV history, calling out EVERYONE who was there searching for justice in a Kangaroo Court. His passionate speech, filled with anger he wanted to get off his marginalized chest, concluded with the famous line: “And I know I’ll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate! I DEMAND A TRIAL BY COMBAT.” Afterwards, he gave a rather delightful smirk to his father, who seemed shocked that his plan of sending Tyrion to the Wall didn’t work out the way he planned. And we all know how this trial by combat ended. We won’t really discuss this because I still got PTSD from the shit.. After Tyrion kills Shae and his father when he catches them post coitus (Shae could also be heard calling Tywin her Lion. The same nickname she gave Tyrion), thus completing Tyrion’s Revenge, he ventured east, with the assistance of Varys. After a long journey that included being captured by Jorah Mormont, witnessing a dragon flying for the first time, only to be immediately attacked by Stone Men and sold into slavery, he finally links up the Dragon Queen. The two most pivotal people on the show, aside from the Bastard, join forces so they simply wouldn’t stop the wheel of family dynasties in Westeros, but break that mf. Tyrion and Dany also come to realization that they have a lot of similarities. Both have compassion for the weak and helpless; both of their mothers died in child birth while giving birth to them; and both had fucked up fathers. After keeping Dany’s territories relatively straight while she was off on adventures and shit (Including un-chaining Dragons and making a deal with the Slavers), he is awarded Hand of Queen (Because even though his advice wasn’t always spot on, she saw the value in him and his advice) and sets sail with her for Westeros with three dragons and a whole mf army behind them. When they arrive in Westeros, shit is more complicated than they assumed, including Tyrion taking major strategic L’s on the battlefield, thanks to his brother Jamie outsmarting him (Didn’t see that coming). Tyrion has attempted to hold back Dany’s natural impulses to just fuck up mf’s with fire and blood. He has had to convince her time and time again that thousands of innocent people will die if they were to go that route. Furthermore, Tyrion also underestimated his family and by playing it too safe, has managed to get on Dany’s bad side. However, Tyrion does bring Fire and Ice together by fostering the Dany and Jon team up, which makes for a very powerful alliance against the Night King and his army. Dany has been made to question Tyrion’s loyalty since they arrived in Westeros, outwardly questioning whether Tyrion is all in on defeating his family and their army. These are reasonable questions because Tyrion wasn’t himself in Season 7. The n*gga was kind of dumb. Tyrion tries desperately to make peace with Cersei and nem but that fails because, I mean, it’s fucking Cersei. Like, there are two truths in this world. Never trust Michael Jackson around your kids and never trust Cersei to do some good/noble shit. The last season concludes with Tyrion witnessing Jon and Dany getting nasty. This disappoints Tyrion partly because he probably loves Dany but more importantly, because how much more complicated this alliance will become, now that Dany and Jon are knocking the boots. Tyrion’s loyalty is torn. And us Tyrion super fans are torn, too… Tyrion’s Strengths: – Quotes – Intelligence – Wit – Paying Debts – Drankin – Sympathy for Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things – Compassion for the poor/weak – My mini Doppelgänger Tyrion’s Weaknesses: – Family – Sex Workers – Drankin – Workin my MF nerves
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