December 9, 2023

So listen, no introductions, no slow lead in, I just wanna get straight to it. I’m high-key gay, gay af. Black, female, multi-racial, religious fanatic turned spiritualist, blah, blah, blah. Yes I’ve had boyfriends, I half-way planned a wedding to a man, grew up in the church over half my life, been told I just “haven’t met the right man,” all that shit, but still at the end of the day…I’m muh’fuckin gay okay? Back in the day growing up, I even dressed different at home then I did when I’d go out with friends. My mannerisms were well rehearsed, I knew how to turn on and off my so-called “masculine or gay” shit around grandma and all them. Still maintained my femininity (which I embrace as well), but literally hid my true self just because I knew that I was expected to be something different, someone acceptable and comfortable for everyone else. Especially since I was “too pretty to be gay,” whatever the hell that shit supposed to mean!

No, none of what I said just now is special, none of it is unique and no it doesn’t need to be a public service announcement necessarily, but for those that come from backgrounds and families where being anything other than heterosexual is a downright disgrace or something “we just don’t talk about,” life can be a living hell! Some of y’all know what I mean. Typical shit, like your family always addressing your partner as “your friend” instead of your girlfriend or boyfriend. Hell some folks won’t even acknowledge your partner’s title even if y’all get married! It’s cool if you publicly display a little affection with a partner of the opposite sex, but Lord forbid your mama or somebody else catch you doing some “gay shit” with someone in front of them or they hear about it…

Why after all these years, do so many black families have such closed minded views about our sexuality? Unfortunately sexual abuse is all to common, but why is sexual trauma EXPECTED to be the cause of the cause of homosexuality, as if “being gay” can’t just be a natural occurrence? Who taught us sexual expression outside of the “norm” should be repressed or that is disgusting or wrong? Why as black people in particular are we just as hateful and spiteful to our LGBT+ community as racist people are to us as a whole? It really blows my mind!

The worst thing is having those among US who say that “gay” people are destroying the black family. I’m talking about the ones who feel like lesbian couples are eliminating the importance and role of the black man as a father and husband; as if due to our preference “we trying to eliminate y’all.” Really? To keep it buck, most of y’all men be eliminating your damn selves! Y’all not ready for that conversation though. You don’t think lesbian women respect real authentic men who stand up for their responsibilities and treat women with respect? We see you and we love you for it! Not wanting to be with you romantically or sexually doesn’t omit your importance in our community.

Same goes for gay men, we have those in our community who feel like two gay men don’t have the necessary maternal instinct or natural skills to raise a daughter or to raise “a real man.” First off gay BLACK men in particular are the strongest of strong and have everything it takes to raise a son! They are bold and courageous af just to be living in their truth in the world we live in! They just as equally have the ability to tap into their feminine energy and provide the nurturing love and support necessary to raise a daughter if they choose to (which many straight men could take note of because being in tune with your feminine energy is a necessity for emotional health and connection with any woman, topic for another day*) It takes some serious balls to be a black man bold enough to even step outside on the average day, let alone be gay, or make the sacrifices to be an active father. You got plenty of straight men who couldn’t care less about being a “real man” or being a responsible partner/husband/parent. The focus should always be more on the character of the person. Not their damn sexual preference. I’m down for the men and women who show up for their children period.

Yes, there are certainly critical elements to child development, but to say a same-sex couple has any less ability to do what a “straight couple” can do in regards to rearing a child is bullshit. Period. Let’s be real, kids don’t turn out better just because their parents are straight. For those who had both (straight) parents in the home, far too many of us grew up seeing some dysfunctional ass, one-sided, unhealthy, imbalanced matriarchal/patriarchal type shit. Some grew up with a mother who did the father’s job and couldn’t relax into her femininity enough to set an example of what (some say) a woman “should” be like. Some had fathers who dealt with an uncompromising woman so they watched their dad behave passively or as “less of man” or perhaps they were just a shitty dad or an emotionally unavailable spouse, the list could go on. Y’all can get mad at the stereotypes if you want, but we all know somebody who had it just like that, if it wasn’t us ourselves. At the end of the day, ANY set of parents is capable of dysfuntion or f*cking a kid up and ANY set of parents can be amazing.

I undoubtedly support the “BLACK FAMILY UNIT” 1000%, just as much as I support the importance and benefit of a having a positive male/female role model in any developing child’s life. However, the concept that a complete, healthy, loving and wholesome black family can only comprise of a “male and female” parenting structure is a warped and inaccurate concept. Having a woman and a man as parents do not improve the odds of a healthy, fully functional family or children. You know what does? Two healthy, loving and conscious individuals who CHOOSE to be together, who both have the INTENT and DESIRE to be partners and parents. Sexual preference or gender is irrelevant. It’s not outlandish to assume that most children, if given the choice, simply would want to be in a family dynamic with parents who WANT them and with parents who love each other and who will choose to consistently set a positive and safe space for the development of that child.

For those who consider themselves religious and feel that “well that’s just not how God designed it to be,” I want to say, I find it ironic how you feel so empowered to undermine the inclusiveness and expansiveness of God’s love. I find it mind boggling that you could think that God would be so lack luster in their creativity that they would create us all the same as opposed to beautifully and wonderfully unique. Do you honestly believe that with the hatred, stress and isolation that often comes with being a member of the LGBTQ+ community that we woke up one day and CHOSE discrimination to add on to our historical plight and struggles that we already were born into just by being black at birth?

Let me say this to you, with my God-fearing, crystal toting, sage burning, occasional bible-quoting self…I’m gonna pray for you, for those that are continuing to operate and encourage discrimination in our community amongst each other. I’m gonna pray that your mind is opened and that you realize that before today you held a heart of division, but that in this moment you can choose to embrace your people despite who they choose to love or have families with. I pray that you open your heart to embrace them because they are you and enough of the world is against US collectively. You don’t have to understand or participate, but the least we can do for US as a unit, for the culture, for our families, is exhibit more love and less division in a world where too many are already so divided. Is that so much to ask? Lastly, I pray that no one close to you feels that they have to hide who they are or who they love simply because you might be the one to make them feel unaccepted. Enough folks hate us, we don’t need you, our own people to add to it.

P.S: Belated congrats to homie Lil Nax X on the baby! 

I’m with all the shits. 

Be blessed!

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