Dem Thrones Review of “Winterfell” aka Where TF Bran Come From?

In “Winterfell” aka Where TF Bran Come From aka The Wolf, the B*tch, and the Dragon was an episode that encompassed a lot of chess pieces moving into place. At Winterfell, the opening scene reminded us of the opening scene of Game of Thrones first/pilot episode, “Winter is Coming.” There, we saw both Bran and Arya attempt to get a glimpse of royalty marching to Winterfell’s gates. In the opening scene of “Winterfell,” we see the same thing, this time with a random boy, making his way up a tree, desperate to for his young, impressionable eyes to witness Westerosy pageantry at its finest. And then the little boy falls to his death.. Nah, I’m just fucking with yall, but that would be what Game of Thrones would do, right? You know, to remind mf’s that this is Game of Thrones and anyone can die at any time. But anyway, as the pageantry continues to make its way to Winterfell, we catch a glimpse of a lot of our favorite characters, including Arya being absolutely overjoyed to lay her eyes on Jon, then giving Hound a “tf this n*gga doing here” look followed by being completely smitten over seeing Gendry, again. Tyrion is then brought back in our lives by making another balls-less joke at the expense of Varys. However, the pinnacle of this scene for every #DemThrones viewer (I bet the white Game of Thrones reviewer doesn’t even cover this shit) comes in the form of the Northerners witnessing the existence of black people for the first time in their cold ass lives. Now, I’ve always been of the position that the Confederates were stationed in the South. I mean, at least that’s what the history books told my black ass. However, these mf’s were right there, during the heart of winter, ready to start a good ole cross burning, fueled by gas, racism and moonshine. But I digress.. After General Robert E. Lee and Jeff Sessions and nem get a load of Missandei and Grey Worm making their way through Winterfell gates, we see Jon Snow greet Bran with a hug. And of course, Bran doesn’t reciprocate the shit because the n*gga is weirder than Sheldon Cooper. As a matter of fact, I’m going to start calling Bran, Sheldon Cooper on Wheels. When Jon moves on to greet Sansa, he is given one of the fakest hugs ever captured on film, while she outwardly displays disdain for Daenerys Targaryen. When Sansa proclaims, “Your grace, Winterfell is yours,” she produced enough shade to last an entire ice age. She produced enough shade to cool my black ass off in Mississippi in the middle of July. Bran aka Sheldon Cooper on Wheels suddenly comes out of nowhere, interjecting common sense during this awkward encounter by reminding people the dead are coming with an ice dragon. We next see Jon Snow addressing the racist ass Northerners, as he tries to calm their nerves after they find out that he bent the knee to Daenerys. Lil Lady Mormont gets her short ass up and puts some words on Jon Snow’s head. Also, the Dany vs. Sansa shade battle of Winterfell hits a new level when Dany reminds Sansa that dragons eat whatever the tf they want after Sansa openly questions what to do about the army and dragon's food supply. Next, we see the Tyrion and Sansa reunion. This was probably one of my favorite reunions because we realize that they haven’t linked up since Joffrey’s wedding. Joffrey, who has the approval rating of Satan, still lingers in this Game of Thrones universe, and we are reminded of this when Tyrion hit Sansa with, “Where tf did you go, my n*gga? Had me out there looking like who done it and why.” Sansa, who refuses to take shit from anyone this episode completely dismisses Tyrion after hearing he believed Cersei would send Lannister troops North, to help fight the dead. This reunion ends with Sansa stating, “I used to think you were the cleverest man, alive.” This quote pretty much encompasses Tyrion’s regression on the show. He went from being the dwarf who could outsmart any opponent to the imp who is being outsmarted by everyone. Also, Bran directs an ominous look at Tyrion which was one of MANY ominous looks Sheldon Cooper on Wheels dishes out, this episode. Furthermore, Sansa is slowly turning into Cersei with red hair.. The episode next cuts to the Arya/Jon reunion, the reunion we’ve all been waiting for. After Arya sneaks up on Jon like a crazy babymomma sneaking up on her baby father while he is on his Bible app on his phone, they hug it out. While onions were being cut near me during their hug, Jon tries to downplay some of Sansa’s worry about the Dragon Queen. Arya wasn’t having that shit. Amongst the touchy reunion, there was still tension created by Arya (and rightfully so, I may add). She reminds Jon that his loyalty to the Starks comes above anything else. Post killing the shit out of Littlefinger, Arya and Sansa have stayed true to their father, Ned Stark’s words, that the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. When the episode cuts to Kings Landing, Cersei is told of the horrible news about the Night King and the army of the undead breaking through the Wall. She, of course, in all the crazy b*tch smug in the world, smiles at this news. Her hand, Qyburn, seems surprised by her reaction, but he shouldn’t be… he shouldn’t be. When Euron Greyjoy and the Golden Company show up, Cersei is disappointed the learn that they didn’t bring elephants. Ole dude (I don’t know the n*gga name. I mean, how dare this show introduces us to ANOTHER new character) from the Golden Company tells her that it was far too unreasonable to sail elephants on such a long sea voyage but I’m also willing to bet that the Game of Thrones creator looked at their budget and realized they couldn’t afford any fucking CGI elephants flying up and down battlefields and shit. Next we see Cersei initially reject Euron’s advancements to bed her with the dope ass line, “You want a whore? Buy one. You want a queen? Earn one." Cersei "Queen of the Trill B*tches" Lannister.. However, this line is followed up, 1.234 seconds later with Cersei completely contradicting herself and getting her freak on. I would shake my finger of judgement at Cersei but Cersei don’t give a f*ck about what I think. After Qyburn sneaks up on Bron better than Bran sneaks up on everyone at Winterfell, he gives Bron Joffrey’s crossbow (The same crossbow Tyrion killed Tywin with) and request (on behalf of Cersei) that he journeys to the North and kill Cersei’s brothers, Jamie and Tyrion with it. Bron is like cool, whatever, but honestly, he seems more concerned (And rightfully so) with the girl Qyburn diagnosed with smallpox. I’m also willing to bet that Bron doesn’t see this task through. But I’m pretty sure Cersei already knows that. After Theon, rather quickly (and easily), rescues his sister and receives a deserved head butt from her, he request that he goes back and fights the army of the dead with the Starks. Good for Theon and his redemption. He gone die, doe. After this, they cut to Jon and Daenerys go on date night in the form of riding some mf dragons. Jon, who is a Targaryen (but doesn’t know it, yet) climbs on the other dragon not named Drogon (the big mf) and rides out with Daenerys. They end up making a pit stop at the same cave Jon lost his virginity at to Ygritte. As Jon and Dany stop for a romantic kiss, both dragons stare at Jon in bad ass step-kids. Next, we see the Hound and Arya reuniting. Their reunion has been long anticipated by fans, as well, because of the great love-hate relationship they developed while on their Season 3 and 4 road trip. The Hound and Arya conclude their reunion with the Hound stating, “You seem like a cold bitch, but I guess that’s why you’re still alive.” And that sums up their relationship. After this, Gendry and Arya lock eyes and hearts. That’s cool and all but I don’t think Gendry is ready for what Arya is brining, knowmtalmbout? And then my n*gga Samwell enters the fray. After him and Daenerys exchange a few pleasantries after she sought him out to thank him for curing Sir Jorah’s greyscale, she lays a bombshell that only rivals an “I’m pregnant” from the side-chick, she tells Samwell that she not only burned his mean ass daddy but also burned his cool ass brother, Dickon (That name is still funny). As you noticed, Sam sort of laughed off his brother’s death, acknowledging how much of an asshole he was, but when she also confirmed his brother’s death, this sent him over the edge with anger. Sam, who has always been a good guy, didn’t deserve that. This leads to Sam angrily walking out of the room, only to be bombarded by Bran, the Sneak God King. Bran urges Sam to tell Jon the truth about his parentage, and Sam does exactly that. When Jon finds out the truth about who is parents really are down in the crypts of Winterfell, this leaves Jon more confused than Trump at a daily policy briefing. Jon aint sign up for none of this shit, yet folks keep giving him titles and crowns and responsibility… After Jon hits n*ggas with a “I’M TIRED OF SHIT!” R Kelly moment, the episode cuts to an unexpected horror scene with Tormund and nem. When Tormund runs into Lord Commander Ed (MY EYES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BLUE, MF!), they find Lil Lord Umber, who has been turned into a Red Lobster advertisement by the White Walkers. He then surprises them, and they set his ass on fire. He screams and screams and screams and shit that scene was spooky as shit, but I digress. The episodes’ conclusion is Jaime arriving at Winterfell. When we see Jaime, he seems pretty proud about himself. Satisfied with how far his character has come and how he seems to be doing the honorable thing.. then BOOM! The Sneak God King, Bran aka Sheldon Cooper on Wheels is staring back at that mf Jaime with the energy of a thousand Yeah n*gga I see you’s.