By now, you most of us know of the revelation that a Hollywood Executive once floated around the idea of Julia Roberts playing Harriett Tubman back in 1994. Well, after contacting a cornucopia of Hollywood sources in Los Angeles, Black With No Chaser was able to obtain an exclusive transcript of the conversation between top Hollywood Executives who considered white actress Julia Roberts for the role of Harriet Tubman.
We must warn you, the conversation maybe extremely disturbing due to the seemingly infinite amount of privilege, ignorance and caucasity.
*Bob walks into Jim’s office*
Bob: Jimmy boy, how tf are ya!?
*Jim raises head, nose covered with a powdery white substance*
Jim: On cloud nine, baby! *whips nose* You know what, I’m glad you’re here. I have an idea to run past you!
Bob: Sure thing, lay it on me. Btw, did you ever take care of that filthy rash you got from what’s her face?
Jim: Took care of it by ignoring it and hope it goes away? Absolutely. But enough about Big Boobs McGee, I have a movie idea to run by you.
*Bob grabs plate full of powdery white substance. Rolls $100 bill. Uses bill to transfer powdery white substance to nose. After raising head while sniffing violently, puts some more of the powdery white substance on fingers and proceeds to “brush teeth” with it*
Bob: I’m sorry, Jim. Shoot! What’s the big idea??
Jim: Ok, so hear me out. You know how slave movies always do well because we barely have to put any money behind it and black people are going to show up to watch the bad shit we did to them and white people are going to show up and watch it because we feel guilty for the whole slave thing?
Bob: Yeah..
Jim: Well, here is what I was thinking. Who is the greatest slave of all time? Like, if you had to do a ranking of slaves, who is the slave GOAT?
Bob: Hmmmm
*Bob’s nose begins to bleed*
Bob: If I were to formulate a slaves power ranking, I would probably put Kunta Kinte at number one and..
Jim: Bob, for one, your nose is bleeding profusely, and you are fucking up my carpet. For two, Kunta Kinte is a fictional character.
*Bob being completely shocked by this revelation barely wipes nose*
Bob: Kunta isn’t real!? Holy shit! Well, if that’s the case then I guess that Harriet Tupman, Tubman woman? She freed a bunch of negroes or some shit, right? While using the Underground Train Station or Railroad?
*Jim slams hand on desk so violently that he breaks both hand and desk but doesn’t feel it because of the copious amount of coke in his system*
Jim: EXACTLY! So here is what I was thinking, let’s make a Harriet Tubman movie EXCEPT we cast a big Hollywood actress to play her!
Bob: I love it, Jimmy boy! So, wait, who would we cast for the role?
Jim: Hmmmmm, see here is where I’m stuck. I was thinking about Angela Bassett or Lynn Whitfield or Regina King or even Pam from that funny ass show Martin, but see, those actresses won’t make us enough money and that’s all that counts.
Bob: Ok, so let’s think outside the box. I may need some more coke for this.
*Bob snorts more of the powdery white substance*
Bob: Julie Roberts!
Jim: Julia Roberts? *Grabs plate and sniffs more powdery white substance* I mean, Bobby Boy, Julia would be great but she’s white. Harriet Tubman was black.
Bob: I mean, yeah but Liz Taylor played Cleopatra, a black woman and people loved it, why wouldn’t they love Julie Roberts playing a slave? We can even create this black bounty hunter who hunts slaves. Imagine it, a black man chasing around a white woman for like half the movie. Can imagine the buzz, the controversy, the Oscars and more importantly, the MONEY!?
Jim: And can we name the bounty hunter Bigger Long because of our obsession with black penises?
Bob: Huh? Umm, sure.
Jim: I love it, Bobby! Now all we have to do is convince people to go see the movie!
Jim: Btw, my hand is killing me right now.
Bob: Ahhh, you’ll be ok. Just ignore the pain like you ignore the rash.
*Both stare at each other then begin to laugh hysterically*
Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance.
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