I Love to Bottle Up White Tears like Bacon Grease to Cook with Later

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is better than Bae-con. Yeah, I call bacon, Bae-Con.

Is that weird? Maybe. But that’s how good bacon is. And no, I didn’t say turkey bacon. If you eat turkey bacon, I don’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth. If you eat turkey bacon, you probably one of the mfs who keep sending me friend requests, talking about you a Bitcoin investor. I trust Nigerian emails more than n*ggas who eat turkey bacon. Like, it’s turkey, fam. It’s a fucking turkey. What’s wrong with y’all?

Cooking with bacon grease will bring warmth to your heart in the form of joy and clogged arteries, so I try not to cook with it very often. The same logic can be applied with white tears. White tears are low in sodium, but high in mayonnaise, which, coincidently, is high in sodium. So, even though these white tears lack any kind of seasoning whatesover, the high mayonnaise content mask the lack of salt, pepper and various powders that are worthy of a decent tasting meal.

But I struggle with cooking with white tears, because honestly, they are nasty. Just disgusting. But because I’m so petty, I..I can’t help it. My taste buds say no, but my PEEEEEEEEEETYYYYYYYYY…MY PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTY IS SAYING YESSSSSSSSSSSS! Sorry, I got caught up in the moment there. And did I just quote R. Kelly? Jesus Jerome Christ on a suspended license, remind me to delete that later.

But today is a very exciting day for me and other white tear cooker and drinker connoisseurs, because the day is the day Trump leaves the White House. Oh, there are so many opportunities to capture and bottle up white tears on this lovely day. If white tears were a stock, the mf would be Tesla. If white tears were cryptocurrency, it would be bitcoin. If white tears were a virus, it would be COVID-19. But enough about capturing white tears. That’s easy. The important question is what do you do with white tears once they are captured?

I’m glad you asked.

Cooking with white tears require at least a non stick pan, but cast iron skillets work the best. Before applying the white tears, get the pan hot, ALMOST to the point of smoking. Be sure to season your meat very generously, because the white tears will provide absolutely NO flavor. Once the pan is hot enough, apply at least two teaspoons of bland white tears to the pan and let that get hot. The hotter the white tears get, the more mayo will be burned away. After two minutes, apply your meat to the pan and pray that the food turns out ok.

But needless to say, we not eating for the taste.

We eating for the petty.

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance. 

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