I Obtained the Superpower of a Mediocre White Male

Greetings on this gloriously, powerful December 21st, the year of our Lord and Satan, 2020.

As many of you know, black folks, because of the planets Jupiter and Saturn being aligned, have the capacity to receive superpowers, today. Well, I am happy to report that I received my superpowers, today. You may be wondering exactly what superpower I received on this glorious day. Is it the power to fly? No. Is it the power of telekinesis? No. Did I obtain some form of superior intellect? Fuck no.

I received something…greater. Something that I’ve always wanted, but never thought I could achieve.

I have the superpowers of a mediocre white male.

And how do I know this? Easy. This morning, already, I’ve received two promotions, two raises, and one bonus. And the only thing I did was the bare minimum. That is all I needed to accomplish. The absolute bare minimum. Log into work, send a few non threatening emails with a touch of spunk and boom, I’m not only growing stronger with each billable hour, but I am on a unprecedented three month trajectory to becoming principal partner.

UNITED STATES – SEPTEMBER 13: From left, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Mike Pence, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif., Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., and House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, R-La., share a laugh with the media after a meeting of the House Republican Conference at the RNC, September 13, 2016. (Photo By Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call) (CQ Roll Call via AP Images)

My rise will allow me to achieve what few black folks, but many a white man have achieved. And that is to achieve vast amounts of wealth and power without having much of any talent to justify how I am so rich and powerful.

To be mediocre white male means that you have reached your apex in assuming what the world owes you compared to the actual contributions you have made to the world. When you reach this level of white male mediocrity, you demand more, even if you don’t deserve shit.

You walk into a job interview requesting a $20k increase to whatever salary is offered to you. You look down on others on a pedestal, a pedestal made of the tears and “how tf is this stupid mf my boss” of marginalized people you have bypassed economically, even if you don’t have the talent, drive, education or intelligence to justify your income superiority.

I have already received numerous “lemme hold sum” requests. I must note, that as part of my newly found superpowers, donations are both a foreign and unacceptable concept to me.

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance. 

Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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