I love being petty.
Besides breathing and living and shit, being petty is probably my most enjoyable, thought provoking exercise. And my petty runs deep, genetically speaking. My momma is petty, my daddy is petty and both of daughters are developing tier one petty skills, so much so that the Daycare has written one or two incident reports, citing my oldest daughter’s petty adventures.
Being petty is an art and a practice that few have mastered. I pride myself on being petty and the length of petty I’m willing to go to is longer than my dope boy cousin’s pinky fingernail, which is used to cut up, well, never mind. Ok, drugs, it’s used to cut up the drugs. In my professional petty opinion, I think Black Twitter, as a community, has done more for the science of petty than any one individual could ever do, well, until yesterday. Yesterday was just like any ordinary day. I stared at my work computer, doing the absolute bare minimum as I prepared my taste buds for the Thanksgiving Holidays, when a seemingly meaningless promotion poster popped up on my timeline.
It was the Millennium Tour 2 or part 2 or 2020 or some shit.
I then pondered to myself, “Oh ok, cool, they are doing another one this soon? I guess the first one made a lot of money and I think Bow Wow is always on some ‘I’m broke’ shit, so that’s wusup.” And I kept scrolling, searching for some petty shit to sink my teeth into, not realizing I just stumbled across the pettiest promotion poster ever created in our Milky Way Galaxy. Now, I’ve never been a B2K fan, but I’m familiar with their work. They were forced upon our shores many years ago due to 106 and Park and I think they have managed to stay semi relevant because of the Love and Hipiddy Hop show. Now, I personally don’t actively seek to watch Love and Hip Hop, but when my babymomma has it on, I will sometimes lay in the bed and digest the often drug and alcohol induced scripted drama. And through the many years of watching the show (and the many iterations), I’ve managed to catch a Lil Fizz or Omarion sighting.
And so, through my many instances of “receiving the tea/juice” from my babymomma, I stumbled upon the fact that Lil Fizz started dating Omarion’s babymomma. Now, normally if a couple breaks up, the next logical step would be to start dating again. However, dating your ex’s best friend would reduce any reasonable person to start throwing dem hands.
But Omarion didn’t do that.
Omarion decided to get even with Lil Fizz and his babymomma the pettiest way he knew how. And that was to go BACK on tour, without Lil Fizz (and nem), and announce the tour on Lil Fizz’s mf birthday. After discovering this detail, I immediately rushed back to the poster I ignored earlier and discovered that Lil Fizz’s image wasn’t anywhere on the poster, and this poster literally contained every mf to ever make the 106 and Park countdown.
This was a level of petty I’ve never witnessed before. Omarion reached apex petty.
Now, Pettyologists will argue that Auntie Maxine Waters’ “Reclaiming my Time” produced the largest petty spike in recorded history, but I must say that Omarion announcing a tour on Lil Fizz’s birthday rivals Auntie Maxine’s levels, and I would encourage that all world renowned Pettyologists conduct a study at once to properly measure the amount of petty Omarion’s tour announcement produced.
Pettyologists, get to work.