As most of us who are 30 plus know, residing in the realm of 30 something forces you to approach life differently. We must monitor our food (Except when Popeye’s drops a nuke on our taste buds) and alcohol intake because our metabolism becomes slower than Trump reading from a teleprompter and our energy levels are, well, mf WASHED. And as we come to realization that our metabolism and party prowess isn’t what it used to be, we start looking for different ways to flex our washed, financial independence while still trying to come across as somewhat “hip”, even if we mistakenly end up in someone’s loud ass club on a Saturday night, wishing the club would suddenly shut down at 11:30 so we can get something to eat and take our washed asses home.
20.) Shopping at Target.
19) Not shopping at Walmart.
18.) Pull up to the Popeye’s intercom and after ole girl with an attitude ask, “What you want,” because they’ve been making sandwiches all mf day, you respond with, “You know why I’m here.”
17.) When someone asks you for a Podcast and/or Netflix recommendation and you give your top 10 of each in descending order.
16.) Credit Score screenshot with a long ass caption about your financial come up nobody really asked for, BUT we like and comment anyway because we are proud of you, even if we didn’t really read that long ass caption.
15.) Boomeranging your hookah smoke while exhaling so it looks cool, as if you are inhaling.
14) Posting a hot take on Jay-Z’s partnership with the NFL that gets a lot of likes, retweets, and shares.
13.) Posting your Southwest plane ticket that has A List Boarding.
12.) Posting your Delta Sky Club membership.
11.) Posting a video of you walking through the TSA Pre-Check while a hundred n*ggas with morning crust still in their eyes are in the regular TSA line.
10.) Picture of your passport on random airport bar table with your ticket tucked neatly below the passport.
9.) Pictures of you in Paris while I’m saying to myself, “This n*gga is in Europe, again?!?”
8.) Pictures of you in Cape Town while I’m saying, “This n*gga is in Africa, again?!?”
7.) Pictures of you in LA in front of the Dunes apartment building from Insecure.
6.) Floor seats to Beyoncé’s and Jay-Z’s On the Run___ (Whatever number they on) tour.
5.) Bottle girls walking to your table and you put the caption, “No more bottles!!” which is really a cry for help because your washed ass, deep down, is serious when you say no more bottles.
4.) Work trips that send y’all n*ggas to Las Vegas one week and Madrid the next week.
3.) Eating at the balling ass restaurants, even when it’s not Restaurant Week.
2.) Eating at Vegan Soul Food spots which allows you to flex both health and culture.
1.) No kids.