We Interview Pollen
And it’s seasoning our cars more than Big Momma seasoned the food that ultimately led to her demise in that one movie where Boyz II Men were singing about their mommas.
Pollen has turned our cars yellow and our noses runny, as it systematically makes it way from state to state; home to home; nostril to nostril.
BWNC: Hello ther *achoo!*..shit!
Pollen: Sorry about that. I’m some of everywhere, huh?
BWNC: You got that straight. Jesus. My allergies are..*achoo!*..are…*achoo!* F*ck it.
Pollen: Are you going to ask me a question?
BWNC: Sorry. I just popped a Claritin. Hold on… *aaaaa* Ok, I’m good. Now! Let me start off by saying fuck you. Secondly, like, what are you doing here?
Pollen: Doing here, where? Like, on Earth?
BWNC: Yeah, like what is you’re ultimate purpose? World domination?
Pollen: My purpose? Oh, it’s to produce the seeds needed to purify the world of what you ratchet humans do it.
BWNC: Wait, so you flower sperm? Bahahahaha!
Pollen: Well, I wouldn’t put it lik..
BWNC: This n***a flower sperm bro! Bahahaha! Shit, I’m sorry. But wait? What you mean ratchet humans?
Pollen: I am the only thing standing between you and your destruction of our beautiful planet. I am what keeps the world running.
BWNC: Yeah, I get that, but you’re making me wash my car like twice a week. My water bill climbed up to $100 this month!
Pollen: Did you not hear me? I am an essential ecological survival function. Without me, the human race and all of earth’s terrestrial ecosystems would not survive.
BWNC: Right. I get that. But you had me going to CVS twice this week. I had to get Claritin for me THEN come to find out, I had to get Kids Claritin for my 7 year old. Did you know they made Kids Claritin?
Pollen: F*ck you and that kid.
BWNC: Well, that’s just mean. Lemme ask you another question. When you season our cars and the ground and shit, do you think that maybe you are being a little heavy handed?
Pollen: Heavy handed? I thought you people liked extra seasoning?
BWNC: Excuse me?
Pollen: So Black people don’t like extra seasoning?
BWNC: Maybe. Bu..
Pollen: So what’s the issue?
BWNC: Well, we aren’t monolithic. To make that generalization is a stereotypical trope I will not stand for.
Pollen: What Black person you know doesn’t like seasonings?
BWNC: Well, I can’t really think of any at the moment, but that’s not the point.
Pollen: And y’all never throw away seasonings, right? I bet you got Onion Powder from the Obama Administration in your cabinet right now.
BWNC: The Bush administration. But that’s not the poin…*achoo!* Ok, we’re done here. I think you should leave.
Pollen: My pleasure! And take this with you.
BWNC: Take wha..*achoo!* Gawd dammit!
Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang, the greatest baby father to the dopest babymomma, and the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet…sometimes. So, you know, balance. Sort of.
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