What are White People going to buy with their Stimulus Checks?

Black folks call it Stimmy, Lil Stimmy, Lil Stemmy, Young Stezzy, Big Guwap, or simply the “Here you go, n*gga, Damn” Act.

And we’ve seen meme after meme, post after post of what Black people will do with their Young Stimmy Vert check, but no one has checked into how D’Wights Schrutes will spend their “Stimulus” (Ok, now re-read “Stimulus” but say it in your yt news anchor voice) check.

Well, let’s figure it out.

1.) Vinyl Records: Nothing, and I mean nothing makes a yt person happier than searching high and low, flea market after flea market for vinyl records. And it can’t be just any vinyl record, no. It usually has to be either a Beatles record or some obscure artist the Black delegation has never heard of. They will be like, “Dude. Dude. I found The Wall Sockets 1978 record on vinyl.” And we be like, “Oh, ok. That’s wusup.”

2.) Climbing Mount Everest or something else that is unnecessarily dangerous: Yt people love courting death. Like, that’s their thing. I guess life doesn’t have enough dangers for them, so they say fuck it and seek it out. So maybe, just maybe, they will use their stimulus money to go climb Mount Everest or one of Mount Everest adjacent. Like, the Himalayas got a lot of mountains, right? I’m sure if Mount Everest is crowded with other yt people using their stimulus to climb it, they can find a mountain just as tall. I don’t know, though. I’m not a fucking “Mountainologist.”

3.) A 4.5 Million Dollar Home: I’m willing to bet there will be an episode of House Hunters where the yt couple will say: “Yes, so we are both unemployed. We have two kids, and 4 dogs. While the unemployment lowered our budget down a little, initially, we were able to secure 4 Stimulus Checks. Well, really 8, because of the dogs, but shhh, hahaha. Anyway, because of our large family, we were hoping for at least a 6 or 7 bedroom home, somewhere in Brooklyn.”

4.) Jams: Just an assortment of jams and jellies. Idk why I associate that with them, but I do.

5.) Lips: “Yeah, lemme get that Kylie Jenner deluxe.”

6.) Trump’s Legal Defense Fund: Broke boy is gonna need it, because Rudy Giuliani gonna have that mf doing a whole bid if he keep him.

7.) Exotic Animals: Ok, so Black people do this, too. But it’s more to just show off how much money we got. I think yt people actually like the thrill of having the world’s most poisonous snake playing next to their 5 month of child for whatever reason.

8.) Beer: Like, this is axiomatic. And y’all best believe the beers will be IPAs, locally brewed (or brewed in another country) with a high alcohol volume.

9.) A Bar: This idea will pop up after drinking the beers. “Dude. Dude. You know what we should do? Open a bar.”

10.) An Array of Essential Oil Diffusers: I don’t know exactly what they are, but I just feel like yt people are locking these things down. Wait. Is this a black people thing, too?

11.) Ray-Bans, Khaki Shorts, Boat Shoes and a Wrinkled Button Up: I’m not necessarily mad at the fit. But I just feel like yt people purposely avoid the iron with this fit. It’s like they get the button up out the closet. Ball it up like some paper that is about to be thrown in the trash, un-ball it, and then say, “Perfect.”

12.) A lifetime supply of Kabocha: Their Kabocha puree game is probably insane.

13.) The recipe for the most ridiculous Buzzfeed Tasty video they can find: If y’all don’t think they have the capacity to spend $1,400 bones on the recipe for a Death Star Wedding Cake made of cheese and turkey, well, you severely underestimate their ability to make nasty shit.

14.) Camping: “Dude, let’s go where the bears live.”

15.) The Chainsmokers Frontrow Concert Tickets: I mean, they gotta a couple of jams, but I’m not paying money to see them.

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance. 

Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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