You Think You Know Microsoft Excel Until It’s Time to Microsoft Excel Some Shit

Is it just me, or has Excel gotten confusing as shit, lately?

Listen, I know it’s always been a little confusing for me growing up, but gawd damn, I can’t even copy and paste properly anymore. And don’t get me started on these gawd damn formulas or how Excel will sometimes just say fuck it, and crash. Or how creating a chart or spreadsheet is easy, peasy, but formatting that it requires you to take one of those brain pills from the movie Limitless.

But the reason I bring up my new found beef with Excel is that, apparently, in this all virtual work environment, I’ve had to use Excel much more than I anticipated I would ever have to use it. And honestly, this is probably some form of karma. See, here’s the thing, I’ve been looking dead in these folk’s faces for years, lying that I am in Microsoft Excel proficient, and I am not. Like, not even a lil bit.

I’m not even close to being proficient. Even though there was a time I thought I was proficient, until I saw someone actually Microsoft Excel some shit. Have y’all ever witnessed that? Have y’all seen one of your coworkers actually Microsoft Excel some shit?

It’s beautiful corporate art.

Here you are, looking at your co-worker aka Gandalf The Fucking Wizard perform sorcery, plugging in space-time continuum formulas and doing god knows what, as he or she turns what was a blank canvas into some shit Picasso would paint. Speaking of Picasso, did y’all know this mf died in like 1973? Like, he died during the height of disco. Here I was, thinking he lived in 15th Century Spain, or something.

But I digress.

Even though the thought of me being Excel proficient sailed long ago, I at least thought I was Excel literate. But I don’t even think I’m that. And now here I am, making excuses for my stupidity. “I didn’t go to law school for this,” thoughts starts flying through my head while I figure out how to make this index digestible.

But, in the mean time, I think I’ve figured out a secret. Just copy and paste pretty charts off someone else. Yeah, I might be awful at Excel, but I’m great at finding awesome Excel documents created by Excel Picassos in our office SharePoint.

Picasso died in 1973. That’s wild.

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance. 

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