A List of Childhood Figures We Should Also Cancel
Pepe Le Pew was “rapey” to me, even as a kid.
Younger me would say to myself, “There’s something off about that French creep.” Like, dude was more thirsty than a group of n*ggas camped up at a Texaco gas station in the south. He was more thirsty than a dude who buys a rose after the club lets out, and tries to give it to the girl he was weirdly stalking all night, as she stumbles out of the club drunk, with the only thought of Waffle House on her mind, and not a gawd damn rose from her club stalker. He was more thirsty the dude who tried attack Malcolm X, and afterward, Brother Malcom responded with, “Yeah, that brother’s starving.”
1.) Ms. Parker – Because she used to PePe Le Pew Professor Whatchamacallit. Damn, what’s that nig…Stanley. Professor Stanley Oglevee.
2.) Ms. Piggy – She was a lil extreme, looking back at it, right? Is it me or did she use to be beat the green off Kermit?
3.) Speedy Gonzales – My guy Speedy would’ve got caught by MAGA, eventually. Also, when has speed ever been synonyms with Mexican culture? Now, don’t get me wrong, all the other shit he was doing was stereotypical as hell, but running fast? Usually the speed stereotype is saved for us Black folks. Kind of shocked they didn’t call him Speedy Williams from Detroit.
4.) Foghorn Leghorn – That was a whole former Confederate General
5.) Lil Nicky off the Fresh Prince – He ain’t do nothing. He was just trash.
6.) Family Matters’ Final Season – They replaced THE Harriet Winslow midway through the season with another Harriet Winslow. And Urkel went the space. That shit was wild.
7.) Eddie Winslow’s hairline – It used to be atrocious.
8.) Martin’s Final Season – That was just a mess. That’s what happen when you mix Duane Martin, Tisha Campbell, Martin Lawrence and (probably) drugs together. It just creates a mess.
9.) Student Loans – They’re really adulthood figures, but I’ve had them for so long, it feels like they’re apart of my childhood.
10.) The Great White People in every Textbook – Like, ok, yeah, there were a bunch of blue eyed, blonde hair people running around Egypt or in the Ottoman Empire.
11.) Tia and Tamara – They ain’t really do anything, but they treated poor Roger like crap.
12.) Jaleel White when he got too old to play Urkel – There was a time when this dude voice sounded deeper than Barry White, talking about some “Howdy Ho, Winslows!”
13.) Junior from My Wife and Kids – Can’t nobody be that dumb.
14.) Jerry Seinfeld from Seinfeld – How you the least funniest person on your own show? But wait, didn’t Kramer say something racist? But was that Kramer or the person who played Kramer? It was REALLY Michael Richards. Ahh, whatever.
15.) Pocahontas – That Colors of the Wind song used to go hard, but bruh. The sheer audacity of America to turn that story into a Rom Com Drama is the absolute apex of white people audaciousness.
16.) Algebra – WHEN DO I USE ALGEBRA!?!? I’M A LAWYER! NOT A DAMN ALGBRAINIST!
Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance.
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