Dem Thrones Review of “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms” aka We All Finna Die
In “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms” aka We All Finna Die, we are introduced to Jaime being cross examined by Daenerys Targaryen. Winterfell, which clearly doesn’t have a grand jury process, put Jaime’s ass on trial as soon as he set foot in racist ass Winterfell (More on that, later). In this trial, we are reminded why Jaime bears the name, King Slayer, when he killed Daenerys’ father, the Mad King. During this cross examination, Jaime admits that not only did he kill Daenerys’ daddy, but he would do it again, thus having his very own “YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!” Samuel L. “The L is for Mother F*cking” Jackson moment from “A Time to Kill.” Daenerys, who knows her daddy was crazier than the 2am Waffle House staff on Meth, decides to be petty and seriously considers killing Jaime, who came up to Winterfell—unilaterally—to help fight for the living. Jaime is luckily saved by his future ex babymomma, Brienne, his lil brother, Tyrion and the Sneak God aka Sheldon Cooper on Wheels, Bran, who doesn’t Takashi 69 his ass and tattle tell. However, he does stay true to his creepy ass persona by simply stating, “The things we do for love,” which is a call back to what Jaime proclaimed right before pushing Bran out of the window.
Jaime: And I’d do it again!
Bran: The things we do for love
Afterwards, we come across an conversation shared between the Lannister brothers. Tyrion, who has fallen out of favor with Daenerys, seems to think that he will die in the cold ass north, but does seek some happiness from this after contemplating the prospect of him being an ice zombie and killing his sister, Cersei “This mf here” Lannister. Tyrion is petty for finding happiness in being dead if he can kill his sister. And we are also petty for loving Petty Tyrion so much. Jaime and Brienne then reunite while watching Podrick train. Pod, who we later find out has the singing range of an American Idol 3rd place finisher, has apparently improved, dramatically. Jaime acknowledges this improvement, while Brienne responds with, “He still has a lot to learn,” which was in fact Brienne acknowledging that Jaime has come a long way but is still, as a black church likes to say, “Under Construction.” We then come across Sansa and Daenerys trying to make nice, only to find themselves still beefing more than Hillary and Ashley Banks were beefing when Ashley got that record deal and pissed off everybody in the house. Sansa, while entertaining Daenerys’ attempt to charm, still isn’t over her “conquest” of the North and lets her know. This is some foreshadowing to the Jon Snow Info Nuke Bomb he will drop on Dany, later in the show. This conversation is interrupted by Tormund and the rest of the gang showing up to inform everyone that White Supremacy, I mean the White Walkers are on their way. This news creates a sense of last minute urgency, f*cking and drinking, which will be the overall theme throughout the remainder of the episode. Beric Dondarrion, who stated, “They are part of the Night King’s army now” gives us a little foreshadowing as to which dead characters we may see return as ice zombies, aka Hordor (We miss you and we love you, Hordor. Stay dead, bro. Don’t come back. Our nerves can’t take that shit.) Around this time, Theon also shows up, there to pledge his life (Cause that n*gga about to die) and loyalty to House Stark to atone for his past sins.
The episode next shoots to the most important meeting in human history. This meeting required not one (10 minute warning), not two (5 minute warning), but THREE (1 minute warning) email notifications, reminding those who were to attend on the Westeros version of Microsoft Outlook. This meeting wasn’t a “meeting that could’ve been knocked out in an email” meeting. No, THIS was THE mf meeting. After Jon Snow proclaims that if they “simply” kill the Night King, the army of the dead will fall, Bran offers himself up as bait. Bran reveals that the Night King’s only goal is an endless night in which humanity is erased of its memories/well, humanity. Essentially, in order to accomplish this goal, the Night King must kill Bran, the three-eyed raven. Afterward, we see that Theon and his Iron Born men volunteer as the first line of defense. Ok, so here’s the deal. We love Theon, he’s great. And I get that he owes the Starks a solid and what not, but the Starks should’ve been like, “Man, we love your energy. I mean, GREAT energy. But we are going to save you for another special, G-16 classified project.” But the Starks, once again, are always too f*cking nice. Anyway, Theon fa sho gone die, but I digress. Also, shout out to my Tyrion pulling Bran to the side, after the meeting, to ask him what the f*ck is really going on inside that creepy ass head of his. Man, we got Inquisitive, Drunk and Petty Tyrion all in one episode. Meanwhile, in the Jim Crow, racist ass part of Winterfell, we see once again what White Supremacy does to people. Let’s think about this for a second. Amid the f*cking dead knocking on their Confederate doors, they decide to fear the mf black folks. This scene, in my estimation, is the equivalent of a Walking Dead episode where some white folks are in their car, chilling and what not, and suddenly, a horde of zombies walk by them and they (the whites) don’t break a sweat. But let a living, breathing Jerome walk by; they are locking all the gawd damn doors. I hate White Supremacy Winterfell. If it weren’t for the characters we love so much who are occupying the mf, I would tell the Night King to burn that mf DOWN.
The We All Finna Die episode next features Tyrion getting more lit than Future trapped in a Rite Aid Pharmacy. This is followed by Tormund conducting a mating dance for Brienne in the form of telling her a story about how he obtained the nickname, Tormund Giantsbane. This nickname was apparently awarded to him when he killed a Giant and drunk milk from the momma Giant’s breast. This story was is so mf crazy, I don’t even think I can articulately type it out and make it funnier than what it already is. Like, yall just got to watch that shit because I doubt any words I come up with will do that story justice. After Tormund’s wild ass “Aight so boom” story, we see Arya shooting her shot and unlike Tormund, she AIN’T missing. Arya asks Gendry how many people he’s slept with and of course, in real n*gga fashion, Gendry answers her with the generic three count. I mean, that’s the universal: “You don’t need to know my number so I’m going to hit you with this safe “three” so I don’t say nothing stupid. Now, I understand that some of you puritans were disturbed by Arya having sex, even though she’s killed enough people and slit enough throats to be neck and neck with Thanos in the all-time “I’ve killed a bunch of mf’s” Power Rankings, but Arya is 18 on the show, and Massie Williams (the actress who plays Arya) is 22 in real life. So, calm the f*ck the down. After Arya LEGALLY sexes Gendry with Keith “Podrick” Sweat singing in the background, Brienne is knighted in what is probably one of the most emotionally satisfying scenes in Game of Thrones history. This, of course, means her big, beautiful, brave ass gone die, smh.
Oh and speaking of Pod Luther Vandrossin these h*es, was Pod’s glorious moment in Littlefinger’s brothel, when Bronn and Tyrion were both floored as to why he didn’t have to pay any money, because he sang to em?
*Mind. Fucking. Blown*
After this beautiful moment, which will later make us cry even louder when she dies, we skip over to another mf old ass man telling Lil Young Bear “I’ll cuss yo ass out” Mormont what she can and cannot do. And as always, she cussed that mf (this time her uncle, Jorah) the f*ck out in polite Westerosy. Then, as the bells continue to ring, warning our beloved character of the literal death that is upon their snowy shores, we see Grey Worm kissing Missandei like Martin Luther King probably kissed Coretta Scott before a paramount Alabama Civil Rights March. In the final scene in an episode where we saw little of Jon Snow (which lets us know my guy is about to get busy in the next episode) and none of Cersei, we peep Daenerys and Jon exchanging slight pleasantries until Jon drops a bomb so big that our military industrial complex to be proud of it. He reveals that he is essentially the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, which, in turn, allows us (the viewer) to catch our first glimpse as to how power hungry (in a selfish way) Daenerys is while also highlighting some potential Mad Queen, I’m about to burn down everybody in this b*tch, tendencies.
And then White Supremacy, I mean the White Walkers show up.
Shit, if it was White Supremacy, Winterfell would cheer, but I digress…
Oh, and shout out to the Michael Jordan/Muhammad Ali of Direwolves, Ghost, for making a short cameo. We expect his ice zombie body count to be higher than Blac Chyna’s body count when it’s all said and done.