Prince Philip’s Conversation with St. Peter

St. Peter: Next!

Prince Philip: Ello, old chap!

St. Peter: Name?

Prince Philip: Oh, you don’t know who I am, good sir?

St. Peter: Name?

Prince Philip: *Sighs* I am Prince Philip, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh!

St. Peter: Prince Philip…Prince Philip…Prince Philip. Ahh, there you are. I was looking for the name “Crypt Ceeper” when you walked up. Anyway, what brings you here today?

Prince Philip: I was told this is where heaven resides, which is odd, given the amount of Blacks I see frolicking about. Can you point me to the White With Sufficient Means Only Heaven?

St. Peter: The Whites Only what? Not sure you’re in the right place, sir.

Prince Philip: Oh?

St. Peter: Yeah. I’m looking through your transcripts. Did you once ask a Kenyan woman whom you accepted a small gift from, “You are a woman, aren’t you?”

Prince Philip: Oh, yes. I was just having a bit of fu..

St. Peter: Annnnnd did you once say, “If you stay here much longer you’ll all be slitty-eyed,” during a visit to China?

Prince Philip: Well, maybe, but that was a…

St. Peter: Sorry to cut you off. And did you once ask an Aboriginal Australian, during a visit, “Still throwing spears?”

Prince Philip: Well, I take exception to that. There was a ceremony in which several spears were thr..

St. Peter: And you once said, “British women can’t cook?”

Prince Philip: Come on! They can’t!

St. Peter: *Thinks for a second* Ok, I’ll toss this to the side for further review.

Prince Philip: Is that it? Can I go in now?

St. Peter: Well, hold on. No, that’s not it. It says here you thought the white race, and more specifically the British empire, was vastly superior, especially when comparing yourself to Africans or people of African descent. You benefited proudly from the generations of for profit racist practices and you thought your great grandson had Blair Underwood’s skin tone.

Prince Philip: I’m sorry, Blair who?

St. Peter: Nothing.

Prince Philip: This incessant line of questioning is absurd! May I please speak to your manager!? Where is God? Where is he?

St. Peter: He? Don’t you mean she?

Prince Philip: Fuck.

St. Peter: Yeah, so the “Under Further Review” line is pretty easy to find. Just walk straight, hang a left. Can’t miss it.

Prince Philip: Wait, is that Princess Diana? She knows me! She can put in a good wor..

*Princess Diana walks the other way*

Prince Philip: Ain’t that bout a bih…

Leslie McLemore writes about a lot of different shit for Black With No Chaser. He is also the Takeaway Kang and is the father of two beautiful girls, one of which gets on every nerve he has. The other one is sweet. So, you know, balance. 

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